Neener neener neener

I have always, always been stubborn. I like to accomplish things myself, figure things out on my own, and I LOVE being right. In fact I kind of have to be right, I don't think there's anything that makes me madder than when I'm wrong. This particular attribute of mine has been both a blessing and a curse.  A little to much pride can be a hindrance and there are probably people out there that think I am arrogant and well, I guess I can deal with that. Anyone that truly knows me knows that you have to have a certain amount of self confidence to be arrogant and I most certainly am not at that level. I only speak up when I know without a doubt in my mind that I am right about something. So right that I am willing to bet on it. In fact to this very day my husband owes me $1,995,000 because I am so right. I like to bask in the splendor of my rightness from time to time. I know gloating is one of those nasty things you aren't supposed to do (a sin, in other words), but it just feels so darn good to be right!

While being right is just about the most awesome things there is, I have, on occasion (gasp!) been wrong. I have been battling with my cloth diapers for almost 9 months now. I followed all the rules, did everything the cloth diaper company told me to do, searched forums, tried everything, and I still haven't com up with a laundry solution. I either have rash problems or ammonia problems. Well, when we were visiting my husband's family for Christmas his mother suggested that I use Borax. Now any woman know that no matter how sweet and helpful and kind your mother-in-law is, she is still your mother-in-law. If there is anyone in the whole world you want to be more right than it is your mother-in-law. There is some innate drive within woman than pushes her to compete with her mother-in-law. This instinct combined with my dogged determination told me to completely disregard the Borax comment and continue spending money on alternatives. Well after 6 months of being stubborn I have to say (big swallow), "Bev, you were right."

Now you will have to excuse me as I slink away and sulk for a while.

"Mm ba ba de Um bum ba de Um bu bu bum da de"

I have been suffering from a serious case of being completely uninspired lately. This really shouldn't be the situation, I see things every day that make me cringe and get me all fired up. When I sit down in front of this computer and try to rant or rave about anything, I get about two sentences and then: nothing. Oh yeah that's called writer's block, but don't you have to be a writer to have writer's block? Well, at any rate, I think the pressure of having a blog is getting to me. It isn't even that interesting, and I'm sure it's not very popular, but just knowing that I have something "due" makes me procrastinate. I didn't ever set any specific deadlines for this blog because I know I sometimes have a hard time holding up to pressure. Somehow the small amount of importance I put on my writing has caused undue stress.

I know we can't all be perfect, but I really want to be! I want to be supermom, and have my child (or children) turn out perfectly. I want to win the best housekeeping award. I want to be the most amazing cook around. I want to be the best wife there is and have the most loving and stable marriage. I want to have an incredible job that I both love and am good at. I want to be the model Christian. I want to be undefeated in the show ring .I want to advocate for agriculture and be the person people come to when they have a PR crisis. I want to have the most popular blog on blogger. I don't want to leave anything out, I want to have all my bases covered. Some might say this is a lofty dream, mostly unattainable, and slightly narcissistic, but I don't care. I feel like if I could attain all of these things, my life would be in balance and I would finally be, well, normal I guess. I have heard time and time again that I put too much pressure on myself, but I am so used to the pressure now it doesn't seem out of the ordinary. I swear the Queen song "Under Pressure" is my theme song every time I hear it.

How have I got to this point that my life has to be so perfect? I know I wasn't always this way. The first time I went to college I did not get straight A's, and that was okay, but this last time around a B was the end of the world, and a C, well, we won't go there. I might be a perfectionist, but I am also realistic. I know someday I will be perfect, but today is not that day. Today I will settle to have a relatively cleans house; to not burn supper; to have my infant think I walk on water; to have a husband that adores me; to have a part-time, temporary job that I like; to go to church on a very irregular basis; to have two horses that live 559 miles away; and to think quietly to myself that people are idiots when they speak an agriculture untruth. And, I guess I will settle for having one follower of my blog. Tomorrow, tomorrow is my day, and I will keep telling myself that until tomorrow comes.

As run of the mill as living under pressure is for me, it is definitely a goal of mine to make sure my daughter doesn't have that burden in her life. I hope that all of my idiosyncrasies don't impair her life in any way. I know as parents we do the best that we can to give our children a shot at a normal life, I just hope that my best is good enough.


COPYRIGHT NOTICE: "Mm ba ba de Um bum ba de Um bu bu bum da de" is the property of the band Queen, I just borrowed their lyrics.

Pessimistically Optimistic

Have you ever seen the movie, or maybe read the book, Pollyanna? Well, if not it is about a little girl who has an impenetrably positive outlook on life. No matter what fate throws at her she just smiles contently and thinks about things she should be glad about. While this is an amazing attribute for someone to have and I commend this type of optimism, sometimes it kinda makes me want to slap people.

There is a contrasting character that I am sure we are all aware of, the lovable, yet perpetually gloomy Eeyore. I can remember growing up always having a special fondness for that downtrodden little fella. I attributed this mainly to my love of horses, but perhaps somewhere hidden in the depths of my consciousness I could relate to him, just a little bit. As I grew out of my childhood innocence and became immersed in the realm of adulthood, I learned that Eeyore was an icon of pessimism, an attribute to be loathed. How could anyone hate Eeyore, yet think that Pollyanna was such hot stuff? I mean really, would you rather confide in lovable stuffed donkey, or an impertinent little child?

I don't think I will ever be accused of being an overly cheerful person, it's just not in my nature. That being said, I think there are virtues that I have developed due to my slightly morose disposition. I have evolved into a person that has such compassion, that it is sometimes to a fault. You may not think that compassion and pessimism are even remotely related, but I can assure you that they are. People that are perpetually positive don't have the little red flag that pops up inside their head constantly reminding them that something could be wrong. Actually, they probably do, but they choose to ignore it. My negativity makes it easier for me to recognize when someone is in need. I do not relish my affliction and so when I see another person who is down and out, I cannot help but to help. The little rain cloud that travels around over my head is squashed just a little bit every time I can help raise someone else's spirits.

While wouldn't recommend pessimism due to its poor reputation, it has worked for me. I will, of course, always try to look at the bright side of my life, but I feel as if I will probably always fall on the Eeyore side of the spectrum. I remain pessimistically optimistic that my daughter will follow her father's example of having a positive outlook on everything. However, if she does have the misfortune of living life a little on the gloomy side, I hope she puts her pessimism to good use as much I feel like I have.

My name is Suzy, and I am an addict

My idea for starting to write this blog was to have somewhere to vent, just a little bit. I am pretty sure that is a driving factor for most people as they enter the world of blogging. As I searched around for inspiration and ideas, I noticed that there are literally an endless amount of blogs floating around in cyber-space. There doesn't seem to be a shortage of people who have opinions on just about any topic that one chooses to read about. Some blogs are funny, some are very personal (a little too much so if you ask me), and some are purely informational. It's funny how something so simple as people publicly venting has become wildly popular. I really like the concept though, because most of the time it is really hard to get anyone to take time out of their busy day to listen to anything you have to say. Call it a blog though, and all of the sudden people are flocking to their laptops and smart phones to see what the latest news is. And the best part is that you have their undivided attention, and they can't interrupt you. What more could you ask for really?

I get a majority of my "news" on Facebook, actually I have to admit, I'm a little bit of an addict (I am sure there will be reahab centers for this is the very near future) and could possibly be considered a borderline stalker. I really don't feel as if my day is complete until I have been on Facebook to peruse the goings on of all the people who have declared themselves my friend (well, I may lose a couple after they read this blog!). As I scroll down the page chuckling and occasionally gasping at what everyone has to say, I will often become distracted  by a friend of a friend and feel the urge to stalk them as well. Most of the time it is because they have done or said something that I take offense to, or really appreciate, so I feel the need to find our more about them. More often than not, if I am preying on someone that I have taken offense to, I regret investigating them further as I become more offended by the minute. I want so badly to point out their shortcomings and guide them toward the obviously truthful position on the matter, which is mine. This will often lead to me getting all wound up and animated. My husband and I will have a lengthy discussion about how right we are and how wrong the offender is. The list of their deficiencies and our virtues grows longer and longer.

While I realized this is a very normal thing to do, it also has made me realize two things. One, I absolutely hate it when people pass judgement me so I should think twice before doing it to others; and two, we are who we are and our likenesses and differences are what makes the world a fascinating place to live. I hope I can teach my daughter to have an open mind and at the same time to stand up for what she believes in. There is definitely a time and place to stand up and fight, but we need to pick our battles wisely. While I may be guilty of it from time to time, Facebook is probably not the appropriate venue to pick a fight with someone. Yet another reason why I think I should blog. Someone, somewhere might care about what I have to say, so I should probably write it down.

What it is

How do you begin a blog from day 1? I guess you just start writing and that's it. So, why blog? Everyone is out there to get their two cents in, so hey, why not me as well?

Makin' it Mesh. That seems to be how I live my life. I don't quite fit into any one place, I'm kind of all over. Both figuratively and literally. Whenever I find myself somewhere new, which seems to be frequently, I always find it difficult to "fit in". My interests are so varied and my views so broad that I often times feel like an octagon trying to fit through a round hole. If I would just give a little here or there I would easily make it, but I guess I'm just too darn stubborn.

One of my most recent stepping stone in life, parenthood, has made me look at almost everything in a whole new way. I'm am sure that most new parent's experience this very same thing, it's not all about me anymore. Every decision I make and path I take will now have a direct effect on my daughter's life. Wow. As I muddle my way through my everyday life I just hope I making the right choices. We can never have total assurance that we are doing the right thing, but if our children turn out to be okay in the end, we know we have done our jobs well. Sometimes I wondered if my parent's thought I would ever turn out alright, but I now know that a parent will always believe in their child. A parent truly is their child's number one fan.

I realize that I will not be the only one that will have an impact on my child's life. There is a whole world out there that will throw many curve balls her way. My goal now is to make sure that she has the knowledge and the tools to be able to handle the challenges she faces and the blessings she receives. If I can make it mesh for me, then hopefully I can help it make sense for her (and any other possible future children I may have).